Date: 12-15-92 01:50
From: Kelandris
To: All
Subj: One More Time...
I thought, at the time, that this was it, Kel was finally losing it,
yup, she'd gone over the edge...but I couldn't deny the power of the
hunger, or the satisfaction that feeding gave. This was around...gods,
four years ago, now. And so much was going on in my life at the same
time period; juggling bad relationships and bad arguments and bad
drive-by shootings all at the same time has a bad effect on your
life! :>
It was around this point that I started suppressing. I realized that
it could be done, consciously, because hadn't I done it unconsciously
when I was a vegetarian? I learned several things that first year.
One, that I could suppress it, as long as I didn't mind that "on-edge"
feeling most of my days. Two, ice cream kills some of the hunger,
don't know why, but it does. It's another reason why I'm one of the
few overweight vampires you'll meet! :> Three, that when you do feed,
especially from a willing giver, it's that much sweeter for its
absence.
I surrounded myself with high-energy people, though I didn't really
know why untl just last year, when I discovered that in me, energy
vampirism and blood thirst go hand in hand. Some are one or the
other; I'm both. Ergh. And I tried to keep a rein on thing, so much
so that for a while there--I'm coming out of it now--my partner had to
tell me when I was hungry. That's the kind of total suppression you
can die from! >
And so it's gone, until now. A night of feeding followed by weeks, or
months of drought. I've gotten used to the feast-and-famine
routine, and it's almost become a thing of some pride to think back
and say, yes, I haven't fed in three months. I haven't fed in four
months. I haven't fed in half a year...Something to do with a martyr
complex, I would suppose, but I have no way of knowing.
One thing I have noticed is the sharpening of certain senses in the
past few weeks. I'm sitting here now, feeling hollow, wondering if
[C] would mind being woken up for snack value...It may come from
trusting people, as I haven't really trusted those around me in a good
two, three years or so. It may come from being near other
vampires--non-electronically, I mean. I don't know.
But I do know that there's finally no shame when I lift my head and
say, "I'm a vampire." And that's the best news I've had in
years...
Kel
------------------------- If it be not now, yet it will come...the readiness is all.
Date: 07-14-93 05:00
From: Kelandris
To: [V]
Subj: Re: .. -=> In a reverential whisper, [V] wrote to [A]... <=-
[V]> Sane is a very relative term. They say they are. Despite such
[V]> wonderful examples to the contrary. :>
[V]> Exhibitionism is contagious. Is it not great? :> [V]
It's bloody wonderful, [V]!!!!! :>
I still remember the utter gripping fear I had at the first drum
frenzy I went to. The topic came up, and I took a deep breath and
confessed all to [W] and [S]. This was back when I was new in the
community and I didn't know [W] well at all. And they understood.
And I realized, "Oh, they're not going to kill me, how wonderful."
Then a time came where I was over at [S]'s for a dinner get-together
and she happened to mention it to someone in passing, off-handedly. I
froze again, waiting for the axe to fall. It didn't. I relaxed
again.
It's still hard for me to believe that I can admit I drink blood and
people don't mind! That's....you just don't understand how amazing
that is to me. Really. Wild.
Go talk to [A] now, I just had to answer this.
Kelandris
. . . Blood is thicker than water--and tastier, too!
~~~ Blue Wave/RA v2.10 [NR]
Date: 08-20-93 21:32
From: Kelandris
To: [Rn]
Subj: Quote
While I wasn't looking, [Rn] said something to Kelandris...
Ke> There was one moment at the fire at Dragonfest, where Yohannon and I
Ke> had been kissing. I leaned in, and hunger surged, and my teeth fastened
Ke> around his neck....I nipped once or twice, just grazing lightly,
Ke> feeling my pulse pound in my ears. Everything went hypersensitive--my
Ke> eyes saw colors in the dark, my ears heard whispers from tents down the
Ke> hill, I heard his pulse beating, just there .... It took everything I
Ke> had to pull back, and NOT take from him.
Ra> Ahhh. Now it makes sense. I couldn't put my finger on it, (so I'm a
Ra> blonde, sue me.) I didn't know this about you. I wish you'ld told me.
Ra> Not that I'd have acted any differently, but I would have understood.
Thank you, for that.
Ra> Why and what are you waiting for and do you know what I'm talking
Ra> about.
I don't know....it has something to do with the fact that, sans fangs,
I hurt those I take from, and I feel that pain and mislike being the
cause of it. It has something else to do with the fact that since I
first came into my thirst, I was surrounded by people who didn't know,
and some I couldn't tell, and hunger would come on in the worst
places--in arcades, at Rocky shows, at SCA events. And I couldn't act
on it THEN, so I had to find ways to hold it back. I guess I did too
good a job...
Ra> Don't guess, you'll be inacurate. Ever since you gave me that
Ra> book and ran your finger (damn that felt good) nail down my neck
Ra> without me knowing you were going to do it. I've felt like you were
Ra> waiting for something.
I was. I was waiting to leave so I wouldn't drink from you. For some
reason, I don't ask. No, strike that. I know why I don't ask.
Ra> Not that I'm telling you to act on anything,
Ra> I'm not. I just wonder what it is everyone who is aware thinks they
Ra> are protecting me from. Do you think I am innocent? Do you [k]now on a
Ra> level that I am not aware? Why? and Why not? (sorry to confuse you if
Ra> I have)
You haven't. No, I don't think you're innocent. I do think that you
are young. Being young, there are decisions and vistas open before you
and I want to make sure you don't miss them. As I have this close
friend who has a habit of clubbing her men and dragging them off in a
daze, I have fallen into the habit of waiting in silence until
noticed. Even then, I don't press, because I do not want to be someone
who HAS to club anyone into submission--for WHATEVER reason.
Besides which, you have a mark about you which doesn't speak so much
of not knowing, but of knowing just enough. The feeling of the new,
without the feeling of never having been touched. This is just as
attractive to a vampire as it is to someone interested in just sex.
And, at times, it gets rather irresistable around you all--because a
good half of this crowd bears that mark, and it's hard to discipline
some nights.
In a certain sense abstinence has become a discipline. I dare myself
each further week to go another without breaking. Each time I break, I
dare myself not to drink. It's like a game, only one I think with far
more devastating consequences...eventually. For now, I play this game
with myself...and I don't know who's winning.
Kelandris
... "Let the day begin... let the horror start..." --Samhain
~~~ Blue Wave/RA v2.10 [NR]
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