Author: Kelandris the Mad
Fandom: View Askewniverse, no idea when
Pairing: Jay/Silent Bob
Rating: Weird little PG-13-with-implications-of-R thing.
Status: posted to the site 8 October 2004
Archive: Drop me a note and it's yours. And on that note...
Series/Sequels: Nope. Never happen.
Disclaimers: All parts of my fannish being are enriched by the
presence of Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes, Jason Lee, Ben Affleck, and all
the merry characters at View Askew Productions (including their
current master, Miramax,) save for that pesky financial part of my
being, which receives no compensation whatsoever for these tawdry
Notes: Little fannish offering just to convince people (mostly people
on my side of the screen) that I'm still here. Purely plotless.
Summary: Jay defends Xena. More or less.
Warnings: Kind of a lack of angst, for those who expect it.
by Kelandris the Mad
*Tap tap tap tap*
Silent Bob walked into the apartment he shared with Jay, frowning slightly. Jay
was nowhere to be seen, but there were sounds of keys being struck slowly.
Taking off his trench, he folded it carefully and opened the door to his room.
As suspected, Jay was there.
*Tap tap tap*
Jay chortled, gave the screen the finger, and set back to typing again.
Bob hung up his trench, smoothing out a random crease in the leather, then
turned to the computer station. Jay's face was lit in an unearthly bluish
glow. He looked maniacal.
"Lights?" Bob offered. Jay shook his head.
"No, dude, I got this moron on the ropes."
Bob shook his head, folding out a metal chair and sliding it next to Jay. He
glanced at the screen. "XENAVERSE CHAT" was the banner on the top of the
screen, and lines of chat scrolled up at an amazing rate. He didn't bother
reading any of it; he'd rather hear from the blond.
"About?" Bob asked softly.
"Ah, this asshole's claimin' there's no subtext in the 'Xena: Warrior Princess'
series. Show's been *over* for months now, and fucker's still too pissed
to type 'bout us talkin' on the hot tub scenes. Says people in those days just
bathed together. Yeah, but they didn't kiss, or cuddle, or give each other
those *looks* all the time like Xena and Gabby did."
Bob blinked. He stared carefully at the profile he'd memorized in dreams and
reality for the last few years. Subtext? As in, *gay* subtext on that
show? Jay was talking about gay subtext?
"'Sides, like there could ever be any man, god or not, who could replace
Gabrielle in Xena's heart."
All right, now he was concerned. Who was this and what had he done with Jay?
This was not his typical homophobic friend. Jay would be more apt to sneer at
the face of an unconventional romance--
"And this brainfry can't even fuckin' *spell.* It is *beyond*
"And you can," Bob remarked, sarcasm lacing every word, before he could stop
himself. That got Jay to look up from the screen, and for a moment, their eyes
met, dark astonished brown to wide-eyed blue.
"Well, no, dude, fuck...I leave the brain shit to you, y'know? But at least I
*know* I can't spell, and I deal. This shit don't know, and thinks he's
all smart and shit anyway. You know?"
Bob shook his head. Then nodded his head. Then cocked his head, blinking again.
Jay just smiled, the grin slowly rising on his lean face.
"Whassamatter, cathode glow in here bad for those pretty eyes?"
"You thought I was, what, a card-carryin' gay-basher for life or some shit?
Dude, I *gots* gay friends, you know some of 'em! That shit's for
dealin', when I got shit for sale, and I got big bad Bob behind me to back my
**Back my...** Bob twitched once, disguising it as a grimace, then
painted the best puzzled look he knew across his bearded face. Jay only smiled
"'A'sides, I live with you, dipshit. Like you never fuckin' caught on to that
action. Speakin' of subtext."
"I never...I didn't...I..."
**You're stammering, Bob. Stop it.** Bob shook his head again. It didn't
seem to help. It usually helped. He looked around. Maybe he was in the wrong
"Boy, you may be the smartest thing on two legs, but you are motherfuckin'
*dense* when it comes to people, y'know?"
Jay grabbed his face, pulled him forward, and kissed him, taking full advantage
of the fact that his mouth had fallen open in shock when Jay grabbed him.
Having that agile trash-talking tongue in his mouth, licking over his teeth and
tongue and palate, was nearly too much. He shifted uncomfortably on the chair
and then froze.
Jay was touching him. Jay was *touching* him, Jay's *hand* was
*touching him*, touching *him*, someplace he had *never*
expected Jay's hand to be. His hips jerked forward, and Jay's fingers closed
around him, separated by a layer of sweats and cotton.
"An' don't tell me you're not thinkin' of me right now, baby boy," Jay breathed
into his ear, and Bob moaned, biting his lip.
Jay giggled, leaning back in the chair.
"Okay, I take it back, that wasn't subtext. That was fuckin' *overt*.
But not like they didn't have some of that too on the show...This shit-for-brains
just can't get over the fact that two people of the same sex might be happier
without some *husband* gettin' in the way."
Jay looked over, brow furrowing.
"Hey. Bob." He tapped his forehead.
"You still in there, or you gone off somewhere to think?"
"I...um. I'm here."
"Okay. You wanna help me?"
"Yeah. Help me make this dude all charred and toasty."
Jay slid the chair a little closer to Bob's dropping his hand down into his
"An' then maybe we can go have some subtext of our own."
He twitched again, feeling those agile fingers around his cock, still
cloth-covered; remembering that agile tongue. Both of which, if he was being
honest with himself, he wanted to feel again. Fuck. Holy fuck.
He pulled back a little, feeling those fingers graze over him but let him go,
and clenched his eyes shut. He took a very deep breath, then stared into Jay's
"Okay," he said softly.
"O-kaaaay," Jay drawled. "Saddle up, move 'em out, we gonna rope us a
newbie!" And he turned, beginning to type again.
And Bob sat beside him, making occasional spelling corrections, and listened to
his head spin.
Kelandris the Mad
requests for the cow may not be denied (lizzie)